Letters To August—1

I feel like I’ve been waiting for you for so long. There’s a lot of history between us. What makes you different isn’t my birthday that you bring every year, that is just your party trick,you are a trickster. You taunt me with death daily and as I am about to give up, it’s my birthday and there’s fake support from people that forgot me for a year,people that will forget about me until its my birthday next year. 

Every year as you arrive you bring reinforcements—my anxiety gets worse, most days I can’t get out of bed or eat or sleep, I can’t pretend like I’m happy the way I  have done for 11months before you. 

August, you are a lover that leaves me feeling worse everytime. You leave me wishing I never get to see you again. You come back everytime with a smirk on your face, as if you know I am not strong enough to die. 

August, I wonder if you will be different this year.

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Conversations With My Younger Self- The Frogs You’ll Kiss

The first frog you kiss will have a name that is an object of importance to the Catholic church. He’ll be the first reason you learn self consciousness because the day after you tell him you can no longer be his back up plan, you pass his friends on the street and assume their whispers are about you. He’ll also be the first to teach you a boy’s lie; a girl called Fortune.

The second frog you kiss will invade the haven you’ll find in the woods. He’ll sit by your side while you write in your special green book and you’ll convince yourself that you’re okay with him being there until the day his breath begins to burn your skin.

The third frog you kiss, you won’t remember.

The fourth frog you kiss will be a final year pressure,the kiss will be brief and unpleasant and never happen again because once you’re done with school, you’ll avoid him like a plague.

The fifth frog you kiss will be the reason you’ll regret not leaving this place, he’ll coax you into doing things you’ll continually hate about yourself.

The sixth frog you kiss is a decision you’ll regret more than the fifth.

The seventh frog you kiss will be a girl, a beautiful planet. You’ll already be a falling star and you’ll fall to this planet and for awhile she’ll be your new haven but stars are meant to shine brightly in the sky and so the magic you two create on land will end.

The eight frog you kiss will be a weak comparison to the seventh, he’ll crumble in your hands and text you for weeks after the kiss but like dust, he’ll eventually be blown away.

The ninth frog will be a mistake, a chain reaction of mistakes.

My 7 year old self is scared, she looks up wide-eyed and curious, “will I ever have a prince?”

I smile down at her but say nothing.